First, we would like to thank you for spending so many irretrievable hours of your precious life in the time-sucking hole Mark Zuckerberg initially dug to compare pretty faces from the safety of his college dorm room. How did he know that a vanity contest would compel women to voluntarily share photos with a socially awkward dork? Very clever, Mark.
Here, then, is our categorized summary of your violations on our platform during the past year. By the way, in addition to exposing your darker nature, we collect and collate your information for sinister future use, forever, and of course to make money. Please continue.
1. Nature photos: do you really believe that no one knows what a bird looks like? Or a turtle, snake, alligator, or fish for that matter? And stop with the sunsets. They happen every day without fail and all look basically the same. Ditto sunrise.
2. Food: apparently you are the discoverer of eating and cooking, the veritable Vasco de Gama of gastronomy. The photos you post of favorite meals look generally unappetizing, and often like a scabrous bandage ripped from a wound. One exception: if you ever dine in a three-star rated Michelin restaurant (you won’t), please post a photo, though they may ask you to leave if you are that crass.
3. Quizzes: you frequently answered ten simple general knowledge questions, proving that you’re a genius! Really?
4. Bragging: this one is tricky. Are you aware you’re doing it? Is that photo of a book you’re lounging around reading really about literature, or does it have something to do with your bare legs, poolside, in January, or at the beach? Oh, you live somewhere nice? Everyone knows that.
5. Humble Bragging: instead of an object or setting in the background, your benevolent nature is just off-camera. You’ve issued a plea for others to help you save the world. Notice how you let people know you’re saving the world? It should be noted that the worst humble braggers are those who point out others are humble bragging. Let them rejoice in their beneficence.
6. Vacations: we’re not on your vacation. If you invited us we would be. Stop teasing. See bragging.
7. Music: great song. Did you write it? Or are you simply inflicting your musical taste on others? How could they possibly not love all the same songs as you?
8. Friend Collecting: do you really have hundreds of friends? How many do you call on the phone once a week?
9. Lurking (snooping): yeah, that’s just creepy. Would you wander down the street at night looking in windows or steal and read mail? But then again, people are sharing and not being careful with security settings, so…
10. Your writing: this is obviously the only way anyone will ever have a chance to read your words. Getting published or stumbling into a Harry Potter phenomenon not only requires a ton of hard work and discipline but Vegas-style timing and luck. Play the lottery.
11. Weight loss (photos of): while we agree that holding yourself publicly accountable can be quite motivating, we may not think that you look as good as you think you do. Also, you’re setting yourself up for the inevitable later comment, “Oh gosh, they gained it all back.” Statistically, one-third to two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost, thus raising the bar on their metabolic set point, the new weight your body vigorously defends.
12. Memories: once was enough. Stop. Facebook tells you about your memories as a courtesy. Don’t share them. Is nothing new happening?
13. Google: stop correcting and informing everyone. No one needs or expects it. Instead, perhaps take a ten-question general knowledge quiz.
14. Politics: it is clear that you are right and everyone else is wrong. You are enlightened and they have never considered an opposing viewpoint. Honestly, they haven’t, but you’re not going to change their mind by suggesting they’re stupid.
15. Noteworthy accomplishments: you swam 26.2 miles in six weeks. Wow! Michael Phelps swims many miles every morning before you wake up. How fast can you run a mile fella? Can you run a mile?
16. Memes: OK, some of these are good, but in many cases, people are trying too hard. Humor is being diluted by overuse. Rules of supply and demand apply here. Cut back.
17. You’re bored: why else would you spend so much time peering into other people’s lives, looking at pictures they volunteer for your titillation? Wait, are you Mark Zuckerberg?
18. Pets: OK, pets are allowed, especially baby pets. Even Mark Zuckerberg has a dog named Beast.
19. Posting: we have noticed that you have friends who never post anything. Nothing! And their profile picture is a silhouette. That’s weird. Why did you allow them to connect? See lurking.
20. Chain Sharing: you never fall for dares to copy, paste, comment, and share lengthy posts. Good for you! But are you aware that a failure to do so means you don’t love Jesus, the police, love itself, or the American flag?
21. Birthdays: if you're going to acknowledge the birthday of someone whose birthday you are aware of only because of Facebook, say something more than, "Happy Birthday."
22. Puzzles: Can you find the horse in this image? Or the one different number in a field of numbers? Is your bathroom clean? Have you brushed your teeth today?
23. PDA (Public Displays of Affection): You're sitting across the table from your significant other, tap, tap, tapping effusive proclamations of adoration, devotion, and gratitude for the blessing of their place in your life on a birthday, anniversary or Valentine's Day. This is often accompanied by a picture of the meal you shared or prepared, and of course, those flowers on the table. Yes, you're sitting across from this special person, both of you head down when you should be gazing at each other, not telling us how you're feeling. See bragging and get a room.
We reserve the right to update this list as you become further addicted, er, participatory. Thank you for your support. By the way, we noticed you liked a picture of shoes. We have curated a collection of styles you might like based on your inability to run a mile. Have a nice day, what's left of it.
😎
If you like fiction and you're in the mood for over 50 short stories, please consider buying "Natural Selections," at Amazon.com.
Or if you'd prefer seventy non-fiction stories inspired by a town in Illinois, please consider buying Park Ridge Memories also on Amazon. Click on the image below.
