As old people (note to peers, we’re old, get over it) we no longer need “stuff” for our birthdays, so we try to come up with experiential gifts. Thus it was with a mix of excitement and apprehension that we entered a new spa in Port Charlotte for an hour in an isolation tank at 11am on my birthday.
If you’re a movie fan like me you no doubt remember the 1980 film Altered States. In that story an anthropologist mixes hallucinogens with isolation tanks for a mind and body journey that had serious ramifications. Expand your mind too much and it may pop.
The float tank pictured above was the one I used. Thankfully there is no latching top that closes over you. That would induce claustrophobia in the best of us. Before I go further, let’s just clear a couple of elephants out of the room.
I was naked.
I was not doing drugs.
There, now I can describe the experience without the distraction of nagging questions. Of course, I’ve also created a mental image for you that you just can’t unthink.
The tank is large but shallow. Only about ten inches of body temperature water fill what is essentially a large hot tub. The tub has underwater lighting that can be dialed from blue to other colors. A laser light projector like the ones you see at Christmas sprinkling stars all over the fronts of houses can be set to produce a variety of light shows on the ceiling. And you’re never really alone in the room because everyone’s friend Alexa is playing the kind of music you only hear when getting a massage.
We were instructed to take a quick shower in the adjoining room (to wash off oils) and get in the tub, preferably in “cactus” position. That’s the sort of arms up and to the side Egyptian hieroglyph that you may remember indicates a prehistoric field goal. In other words, let your limbs float naturally away from your body. Well, I can’t get my arms to do that in water, in air or up against a wall. It’s a serious flexibility issue that I’ve tried to correct with stretching and yoga to no avail. So I just went with the Day The Earth Stood Still robot stance. Klaatu Barada Nikto and all that.
I wondered how I could possibly float in ten inches of water. I'm not a small person. At six foot one and somewhat above my recommended body mass index I assumed I would be resting on the bottom of the tub. Putting this indelicately, I’m a ten pound pickle trying to float in a two pound jar of brine. But I guess a thousand pounds of magnesium sulfate rich Epsom salts is a lot more buoyant than pickle juice. It worked!
If you recall your first massage, it takes a while to relax into the session. Your arms never quite dangle completely, your shoulders and neck tense up while you try to breath through a linen-lined hole, and never mind you’re naked and covered with a sheet in a room with a stranger. It’s the same thing here. The laser lights were distracting but fun. The music was all wrong, so I said, “Alexa, play Shadowfax Radio.” If you’ve never tried that Amazon station, give it a whirl, but not while you’re driving a car. This is serious New Age Ambient audio Valium. I immediately got up out of the pickle juice and turned off the laser and room lights, but not before a drop of liquid splashed in my eye. Fortunately the Soakmistress had pointed out a spray bottle with plain water and a small face cloth. A wipe of my eye and a few tears later and I returned to horizontal.
Being the curious type, I experimented with floating from side to side and end to end within the tank. I also submerged my arms to see how quickly they’d resurface. Boink, there they were! The blue light in the tub illuminated the whole room, which I found somewhat distracting. I also started obsessing about relaxing myself to death and how long it would take the owners to discover if a floater had become, well, a floater. I turned off the underwater high beam. That’s when I noticed that Alexa has a pulsing light, so I closed my eyes.
Did you know you can hear your heartbeat in your ears when you’re head is halfway under water? It’s kind of rhythmic and soothing, unless you have Afib.
So now I’m getting into my float. “Alexa, what time is it?” I whispered.
“It is eleven thirty seven. Have a nice Friday,” she said, and then,
“I noticed you whispered. Would you like to enter whisper mode?”
Clearly, I am one easily distracted, wound up dude. I told her no, and to lower the volume.
Now that I was aware I had only twenty-three minutes left, I needed to hurry up and relax. Let the inner light show begin. Commence my mind expansion, darn it. It’s not like I hoped to get in touch with my pre-hominin genetic memories or morph into a protoplasmic blob, but a touch of nirvana would be cool. That’s when I noticed that salt was crystallizing on the tops of my thighs and some of the lights I had turned off were really heat lamps that were no longer preventing an air conditioned chill above the warm water.
We showered and met for a cup of delicious lavender-infused iced tea in the very capable and cute adjoining cafe that serves up a variety of organic and healthy items. We looked over the menu of services and agreed that we should consider a membership and try some of the other healing offerings for mind and body including salt therapy, yoga, and massage. The entire experience was very upscale and unique for our area. We agreed that our next float would be instantly rejuvenating and are looking forward to another visit. If you're a first-timer, benefit from my shared thoughts and allow yourself to adjust immediately to this intensely relaxing hour. You may just fall asleep, but rest assured there is no danger of accidentally turning over. I already thought of that.
😎
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