Retiring to a property on a canal in Florida has paid off in an unexpected way. During the pandemic our few remaining diversions include kayaking and taking our pontoon boat out for a cruise.
Now that it’s alligator mating season, a quarter inch thick plastic hull continues to offer resistance to water, but those beer bottle eyes that bend the water’s surface as they watch us paddle past lend haunted house apprehension to our journeys. So far the gators have been small, but we know of at least one Jurassic monster in our waterway that could flip us with a yawn and a snicker. As a general rule, the distance between an alligator’s eyes and the end of its snout, in inches, translates roughly to its length in feet. The animal we’ve seen measures perhaps ten inches. And with the aid of its powerful tail, the creature can swim up to twenty miles per hour. An Olympic swimmer can manage only about five. So you definitely want to stay in your kayak.
But such is not the case with a sunset cruise on our pontoon. During these tranquil outings our only predators are human, the ones for whom no speed is slow enough in no-wake zones.
As new boaters we continue to learn about the physics of propelling a populated platform through water and the etiquette associated with doing so in tight or heavily trafficked areas. A boat wake is the area of recirculating water behind a vessel under power. Depending on hull design, speed, weight, and power, a boat’s wake can range from a minimal flow of water and rippling chop to swelling waves of significant, potentially damaging size. Homeowner’s along canals that are perhaps ninety feet in width are justified in demanding that passing boats respect the “100 foot rule” used as a reference for determining if a given area falls under “no wake” jurisdiction. But if you’ve ever tried to go 15 miles per hour through a school zone in a car, you can imagine the crawling lack of progress experienced in a boat going five or less.
The issue is that significant or constant wakes can cause property damage. Yours is not the only boat motoring down the canal. Docked vessels, shoreline habitation, waterfront property, unpowered vessels (such as kayaks, canoes, sailboats, small fishing boats,) marine life, and swimmers are all affected by the sudden power and force of wakes.
I don’t like being yelled at. Does anyone? So it bothers me when we return from the harbor, reduce speed to minimum wake, and then innocently forget to reduce again once we’re in a residential no-wake canal. It seems like every time we go out lately, someone is standing on shore watching, reminding. They are usually polite but always perturbed. I quickly comply, often to the point at which we would need oars to prevent drift if taken any slower.
Of course, there are extreme examples, in boats and on shore. A rather direct homeowner nearby has a sign that says, “Slow Means No Wake Asshole.” That just makes me want to see how fast my boat can go. And perhaps that’s what motivated a recent bunch of yahoos to throttle up on their way home. They were going twice as fast as any boat we’ve ever seen on our canal. When our very nice British neighbor told them to slow down they simply yelled, “F*** You Old Man!” I apologized to him on behalf of America, and in particular, Florida.
One time I was given an arm gesture from a neck deep fellow in a swimming pool. It looked like he was challenging me to an arm wrestling contest or imitating a stapler. Then I realized that his palm moving toward the ground equaled pressing my foot on the brake. Of course, the analogy is incorrect. Backing off on the throttle should be gestured with a raising arm, but I eventually understood and began to crawl.
Last night, a splendidly mild, dry and bug-free evening, we wandered down a canal more off the beaten path. We were exploring. A woman with a fishing pole somewhat softly said, “You’re going kinda fast.” In fact, we weren’t. We were going 4 miles per hour. As luck would have it this canal was a dead end. We shortly had to turn around and pass her again, which we did at 3 miles per hour. This made our awkward moments passing her property take that much longer. In my subsequent fantasy I stare at her and sternly say, “You know, I’ve been thinking about what you said!” And then, with a dramatic pause, “I’m sorry.”
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